streamlining

In view of the sad reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business, the Board of Directors deems that streamlining is appropriate. Internet and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and we cannot sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. With immediate effect, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" division:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romantic antics during working hours could not be condoned. These posts are therefore eliminated.

The French hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves the French... or at least French food.

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five gold rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Diversification into other precious metals appears to be in order to ensure maximum returns for investors.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is a deplorable example of the decline in productivity.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are in order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Opportunities Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals become less sprightly and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The current high cost of Lords prompted the consideration of replacing this group with ten members of parliament. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, there is some support for the view that their skills of leaping to conclusions and jumping on bandwagons may stand them in good stead.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a didgeridoo and a set of maracas will produce the necessary savings.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the appropriate number.

Santa would like to thank you all for your loyalty and wishes everyone a very happy, traditional Christmas.