politically correct Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves."
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.*
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard roof noises up on their roof-tops.
Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf would sue over the use of his nose
And had gone on Oprah, in front of the nation,
Asking millions in overdue compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-helping group, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was MS.

And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike and so, non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales too, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie...(just better off hidden.)
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who said the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt.
Dolls were too sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo, 'twas found, rots your brain cells away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
(But you've got to be careful with that word today.)

His sack was quite empty, lay flat on the ground;
No suitable gift for this year could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people and every religion;
Every ethnicity, each colour and hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even to you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

* Environmental Protection Agency